An example to follow

2 Thessalonians 3:7-9

For you yourselves know how you ought to follow our example. We were not idle when we were with you, nor did we eat anyone’s food without paying for it. On the contrary, we worked night and day, laboring and toiling so that we would not be a burden to any of you. We did this, not because we do not have the right to such help, but in order to offer ourselves as a model for you to imitate.

When you think about your parents, and what it was like when you were growing up, what stands out to you? Do you remember hearing them talk about work? Do you recall how often you had dinner together as a family? Do you focus on big family vacations, or are you memories more tied to everyday rituals like the bedtime routine, or whose job it was to clear the dishes from the table?

Do you keep score of how things were different for you as compared to your siblings? Did your little brother routinely get to bend certain rules that were never even close to optional for you? Maybe you were the oldest and therefore never had to wear hand-me-downs — maybe you were the one who got to go on special shopping trips to buy an eight-grade graduation suit that had to last through a few more kids.

Do you remember what your parents said, or are you more inclined to remember what they did?

My grandmother died early in my freshman year of college. She’d been sick for a while so her actual death came as no surprise, but she was so relatively young — the first of my grandparents to die by roughly eight years — I wasn’t able to pre-mourn, if that makes any sense. Logically I knew she wasn’t going to get any better, but I guess I hadn’t been able to let go until I had no choice. Plus, I was freshly 18 and had just started college hundreds of miles from home. I had plenty of stuff going on in my head as it was. So when it came time for the family to gather I was ripe for all sorts of emotional adventures.

I can still picture us all sitting in a room at my aunt and uncle’s house being led through what I guess you would call a family grief session. Really we all were just kind of talking about her, telling stories, listening, laughing, crying. And while very little of what was said there stuck with me specifically, the emotional evolution I went through during that time, and the entire weekend, played an incredibly significant role in shaping the adult I chose to become.

What I remember most fondly is the stories my mom and her siblings told of their childhoods from the 1950s to the early 1980s. It was not the first time I had heard of their youth, but it seems to me now, nearly 15 years later, that it was the first time I ever heard real talk about the daily goings on of their family. Sure there was talk of vacations or moving, the type of red-letter-day tales I already knew well. But it was the revelation of how the seemingly mundane, the nuts and bolts of parent-child relations and siblings and growing up together, wove together to form a picture of the way they all knew, differently for each child but also collectively, how much their mother loved them, how much she loved their father and also what made her tick. Her values, her fears, her quirks, her essence.

I learned that day how much my grandmother had influenced my life; concurrently realizing I never had a good chance to explain it to her and express my gratitude. I also distinctly remember that weekend being a turning point for me in that I came to understand the importance of my family, but also the strong need to have my own family some day, to love my wife (whom I would not meet for almost a year) always and to have kids, good kids, and to have that be what matters most.

This message was reinforced for me about four years later when we celebrated the 50th anniversary of my other set of grandparents. By that time Kristie and I were engaged and all I could think about was the hope that half a century later we’d be in the same position, able to look back on a life well lived and family well loved. They were the model I wanted to imitate.

No family is perfect, and ours is no exception. I don’t want to chalk up the pros and the cons here, but I must in honesty acknowledge it takes a lot of hard work to have good times to remember and to develop the perspective to accept the difficulties and grow.

Remembering the lessons of those who came before, whose stories all weave together and flicker in the eyes of my three little boys, is what instills in me the desire to walk a path my children will be proud to follow. I am blessed beyond words to have the perfect partner to walk beside me, and await anxiously the journey ahead.

A prayer for May 12:

Lord, I thank you for the good examples we have in life. From the teachings of Jesus and the words of scripture to the leaders of our church and our brothers and sisters in Christ to the family members who shape and mold us on a daily basis, we are lucky to have so many offered as models for us to imitate. I pray for the wisdom to learn the lessons provided me, the diligence to continually seeks your voice as I go along the journey of life and the strength to pay this forward by being for my own children what so many others have been for me. Amen.

Raising 'good' kids

1 Thessalonians 5:12-24 (NIV)

Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Do not quench the Spirit. Do not treat prophecies with contempt but test them all; hold on to what is good, reject every kind of evil.

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.

I don’t have a parenting philosophy. I know other people do, because I’ve heard it mentioned, usually in the context of a Christian small group, or perhaps just online or in casual conversation. Usually the two parents have spent many hours thinking about what kind of children they want to raise. They have snappy mission statements, seemingly borrowed from the corporate world where every product or company is branded so you know what you’re getting just by seeing the logo.

There are buzzwords, like attachment parenting or grace-based parenting. There are people who focus on how they intend to relate to their offspring (“We want to empower our children”) and others who focus on the end result (“Our children will grow up to be good stewards of their resources”). But for as much thought as I’ve put into what it means to be a dad, I’ve never really come up with anything more specific than, “I want to raise good kids.”

I now realize I have adopted something of a parenting mission, calling it as such and throwing it on the side of the blog: “Encourage. Comfort. Urge them to live lives worthy of God.” And while I still agree that should be my goal, I’m going to cut myself some slack for not having it committed to memory yet because I only came across that a few days ago. It’s from three chapters before the section I’m writing about today, and that makes sense to me because Paul’s words at the end of this letter strike a similar note.

The writing is simple, clear and direct. Live in peace with each other. Be patient (I am not great with this one). Two wrongs don’t make a right. Do what is good for each other. Rejoice always. Reject evil. And so on.

The more I read things like this, the more I realize these are the essential kinds of behaviors I hope to see my children develop. It’s what I mean when I say I want “good kids.” And as I read today’s selection from Matthew (Matthew 6:19-24; the “treasures in heaven” passage), I was kind of struck with the obvious: it is not enough to just try to teach my kids to become this kind of person. First, I must become this type of person myself. I must set an example of the kind of life I want them to live, because it’s going to be pretty hard to expect them to carry themselves in a way I clearly can’t or won’t.

And since I know I won’t be perfect, I must allow them to see me deal with failure — because they won’t be perfect either. This is why you apologize to your kids when you lose your temper, or why you treat your wife with the same respect you expect your son to afford his brother.

The more I go through this project, the more I realize the lessons I am learning are for me and my character. If that spills over into making me a better parent, that’s all the better.

A prayer for May 9:

Lord, please help me to be the father my children need, and help me remember that starts with becoming the person you want me to be. Thank you for these words of Scripture today, giving me a blueprint to follow for connecting with others. I am sorry I do not always live up to these ideals, and I consider it a blessing that you do not turn from me when I fall short. May I wake tomorrow with a chance to do my best, the will to pursue it and the strength to follow through.

Trying to thank God

1 Thessalonians 3:9, 12-13 (NIV)

How can we thank God enough for you in return for all the joy we have in the presence of our God because of you? May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you. May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones.

The verses I chose to reflect on today — from a larger passage — are part of Paul’s response to a report from Timothy who returned to Athens after a visit to Thessalonica. But they speak to me today in the way I view my kids. As I write this (trying to beat my self-imposed midnight deadline) I have just returned from our small group meeting. I went myself since Kristie wanted to stay home with Charlie, who is running a triple-digit fever for the first time in his short life.

In the context of Charlie’s illness, but more so a few events of this week and specifically the direction of the discussion at tonight’s session, I was reminded yet again of what a gift we have been given in the form of our children. If we look at our children as gifts from God, and specifically as an opportunity to let us experience joy in God’s presence, then there really is no way to adequately thank God. Such joy is beyond measure, and our humanity limits us from appropriately thanking the divine.

Of course, there actually are many things we can do — or attitudes we can adopt — in respect of the gift and responsibility of children. Perhaps some day I will expound on that concept, but for now, on this night, I simply want to bask in my blessings (while acknowledging I am unworthy of God’s favor). Again, in simple terms, I am so happy to have my family.

I was compelled tonight to remember a specific time in my life when I realized the importance of true family bonds and how that inflamed my own desire — before I’d even met Kristie — to one day have a family and to make that my top priority. I don’t know where I would be in life if I was still searching for a partner, or if we were still trying to bring children to the world. Kristie, Jack, Max and Charlie have become the essence of my being and they make me who I am, I simply cannot consider the possibility of life not shaping up as it has in this regard. There are no words for me to adequately express how this makes me feel.

I guess in all I’m taking a lot of words to make the same point several different ways. Speak with me in person long enough and you’ll learn I converse as I write, for better or (mostly) for worse. In essence, this passage has given me yet another thing to consider in all my dealings with the boys: How can I thank God enough for you?

A prayer for May 4:

Lord, I know I can never thank you enough for my wife and our children, but I pledge to try by living a life worthy of you. I pray for my children to grow to be able to love each other as we love them, and I ask you to strengthen their hearts. I know they will never be blameless or holy, but I also know you have redeemed them with grace regardless. Help me teach them the understanding of their salvation in you, and may I never forget what a blessing it is to be a father. Amen.

Encourage, comfort, urge

1 Thessalonians 2:1-12 (NIV)

You know, brothers and sisters, that our visit to you was not without results. We had previously suffered and been treated outrageously in Philippi, as you know, but with the help of our God we dared to tell you his gospel in the face of strong opposition. For the appeal we make does not spring from error or impure motives, nor are we trying to trick you. On the contrary, we speak as those approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts. You know we never used flattery, nor did we put on a mask to cover up greed — God is our witness. We were not looking for praise from people, not from you or anyone else, even though as apostles of Christ we could have asserted our authority. Instead, we were like young children among you.

Just as a nursing mother cares for her children, so we cared for you. Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well. Surely you remember, brothers and sisters, our toil and hardship; we worked night and day in order not to be a burden to anyone while we preached the gospel of God to you. You are witnesses, and so is God, of how holy, righteous and blameless we were among you who believed. For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory.

I included the first six verses of this passage to give the context for the second six, but since I am writing and praying about parenting, clearly I was struck when I came across this part of Paul’s letter among today’s suggested readings. Obviously the Bible and your average church teachings are rife with examples of the parent-child metaphor. As Christians we believe in God the Father almighty, maker of Heaven and Earth, and it pretty much flows from there.

Many a new parent familiar with the church will offer some variation of how the arrival of their baby shed a new light on what the love of God must be like for us, God’s children. There’s good reason for all this — it’s compelling stuff, and fairly universal. They say there are no atheists in foxholes. I’ve never been in a foxhole. But as the father of three, I suggest there’s no atheists in delivery rooms.

I like to think I’m fairly familiar with the Bible owing to my Presbyterian upbringing, religion minor in college and that one year as interim high school youth group leader, but in all honesty, I’ve only scratched the surface. So one of the exciting parts of this project is exposure to parts of the Bible I either never encountered or generally overlooked. I imagine I would get more out of it if I were doing straight study rather than looking for blogging direction, but either way it’s an appealing aspect.

All of which is to say I don’t ever recall reading the eleventh and twelfth verses of the second chapter of Paul’s first letter to the church at Thessalonica. I’m glad I came across it so early in this project. It contains such simple, direct advice for a father looking to raise his children with and in the Lord. Encourage. Comfort. Urge them to live lives worthy of God. I like that so much I’m going to find a way to work it into the page template here so it appears on every post.

With that, I don’t really have too much to add. Sometimes the Word itself speaks so clearly that nothing more is needed. For me, this is one of those times. I had not been seeking a mission statement specifically, but this one found me. I wish the same luck for anyone who may be reading.

A prayer for May 2:

Lord, I thank you for the gift of my family. I thank you also for the opportunity to read and study your Word, and for the wisdom it provides. Please help me to focus on these simple goals in raising my children: To encourage them, to comfort them and to urge them to live lives worthy of you, the God who calls us all into your kingdom and glory. Amen.